FASTER: Make a Dwyane Johnson Movie in 5 Simple Steps!

Directed by George Tillman Jr. Starring Dwayne Johnson, Billy Bob Thornton, Moon Bloodgood, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Maggie Grace. 97 mins.
Rating: Two/Five
In cinemas March 25

At one point in Faster Billy Bob Thornton casually flicks through a Cosmo-style magazine, landing on an article providing men with five steps to satisfying women. Moved by the undoubtedly inspired insights usually provided by those deeply analytical thought-pieces, he rings up his estranged wife, proudly declaring “I got you figured out!” Well if it’s good enough for Billy Bob, it’s good enough for us, so allow me to present:

Five Steps to Satisfying Faster’s Audience.

Step One: Keep it Simple. Why give your characters names when their occupation will do? So revenge-seeking getaway driver Dwayne Johnson is ‘Driver’, Billy Bob Thornton is ‘Cop’ and hitman Oliver Jackson-Cohen is ‘Prettyboy’. Oh sorry, he’s ‘Killer’. Just to further clarify this complex labelling system, have title cards with their names flash up when they come on screen.

Step Two: Communication is Crucial. Want to portray Killer as an intimidating blend of intelligence, spirituality, and physical perfection? Forget long conversations or exposition, just have him utter phrases like “I beat yoga.” Is Cop a cynical officer on his last legs? Have him repeat that this is his “one last job.” Want to portray Driver as a silent killing machine? Sometimes guns speak louder than words.

Step Three: Make time for Special Moments. In all relationships, even ones lasting only 97 minutes, inertia invariably sets in. Now, you could try being exciting and funny and interesting all the time, but let’s face it, that takes effort. Better instead to only occasionally punctuate the boredom with backwards car chases. Because excitement is heightened when doled out sparingly.

Step Four: Always think ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ Just in case Johnson decides to run alongside Sarah Palin one day, throw in a preacher whose moralizing –sorry, moving – sermons inspire Driver. Oh, and though he’s a ruthless revenge-seeking killer, keep the blood to a minimum. God bless.

Step Five: Dwayne Johnson. ‘Nuff said.
[kml_flashembed movie="" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]