I’ve just read that one in seven people dump their lovers via text. At first I was shocked – c’mon people, a little courtesy! – until I remembered that my behaviour has been as bad, if not worse, than this. Come to think of it, a text message may have been nicer.
There was the guy whose calls and texts I just stopped answering. We were out one night with my friends and he complained the whole time – didn’t like the music, didn’t like the crowd, didn’t want to dance. Then after we went back to my mate’s house, complained that it was damp, small and too crowded with CDs! Hmmm… annoying. So much so that I couldn’t bear to hear his whining voice ever again.
Then was the guy I dumped over the phone. Not tragic in itself, but he was half-asleep at the time. He answered the phone with a groggy hello and I cheerfully said, “Good morning. I think we should break up. Go back to sleep. Byeee!” Add to that the fact that I’d lost my mobile so he couldn’t get hold of me. He eventually came around to my gaff to ask me what had happened. We were sitting outside on the grass and he tried one of those tickling as seduction moves. Not a great idea – I am very ticklish and as I was squirming to get away, my elbow connected with his nose and broke it. The guilt…
And then there was the weirdo that offered to be my slave and kept arriving at my house at strange hours. No matter how often I told him that I didn’t fancy him, he wouldn’t get the message. In a final act of desperation, one afternoon I removed my top and stuck my naked shoulder around the front door and told him I was having sex. He still didn’t get the message so I pulled the same stunt every time the doorbell rang. The last time he came round, I was actually having sex, so I sent the intrepid young man to deal with him and finally, finally, after about three months of trying, he left me alone.
I hate those long drawn out good-byes – “It’s not you, it’s me. We just want different things etc etc…” But, but, but, unfortunately sometimes it’s kinder. And it’s quicker and cleaner than the passive aggressive move of being such a bitch (or bastard) that your no-longer-loved-one dumps you. More importantly, the universe always gets its revenge. Dump nicely – it’s good for your karma.