I wrote a piece in HP a few weeks ago which mentioned sexist T-shirts. Well, these are beauts. No boys! Don’t do it…

Rachel Johnson, author, Sunday Times columnist and sister of Boris won the 2008 Bad Sex In Fiction Award for a passage in her novel Shire Hell.

Norman Mailer, Sebastian Faulks, Tom Wolfe and AA Gill have all won it in the past. Here’s an extract from Johnson’s ‘winning’ passage:

“I find myself gripping his ears and tugging at the locks curling over them, beside myself, and a strange animal noise escapes from me as the mounting, Wagnerian crescendo overtakes me.”

Hmmm… I’ve read worse.

Anyway, this got me thinking – what is bad sex of the literal, not fictional kind?

Here are my nominations:

THE NOT ENOUGH FOREPLAY FOUL UP
The kind of guy who immediately reaches for the lube as a shortcut instead of actually bothering to turn you on…

THE DO ME, DO ME DISASTER
The person who lies back and expects to entertained – all the time!

THE SEXUAL ROULETTE RISK TAKER
The foolish folk who try and convince you that they don’t need a condom because they are clean. Not for long with that attitude…

THE ANATOMICALLY CONFUSED
Generally younger men (or at least I haven’t had to deal with them for years, thankfully!) who have no idea where the clitoris is…

I was reading the other day that vaginal surgery is becoming all the more popular. Popular procedures include tightening, labial reductions, clitoral enhancements and G spot augmentations with collagen and the most bizarre of all, re-virgination. Why anyone (at least in the Western world) would go to all the trouble, pain and expense of creating a fake membrane only to break it again is beyond me. Hmmm… a very worrying trend.

Many women ain’t that fond of their vaginas, and apparently this low self-esteem can really put a damper on their sex lives. But the thing is, like faces, no two vaginas are exactly alike so there isn’t any correct way for a vagina to look. Anyway imagine how much more self-conscious you’d feel after a botched job. Besides risk of infection, there are plenty of other things that can go wrong include scarring, loss of sensation and pain having sex. No way. Not worth it. Kegel exercises help with tightening anyway, and are easy enough (although like most exercise, a pain in the arse, but well worth the hassle). And if you want to beautify the area there are easier ways. Sign up to the Hot Pink Ezine  www.hotpinkbook.com) and check out all the latest designer styles for your ‘down there’ hair.

Ladies, we should all love and appreciate our vaginas! And find somebody (or somebodies!) who’ll love it as much as you do.