Category Archives: better sex

All about Virginity

LIGHTS OUT!

How is this even possible? A study has found that one in six women don’t let their husbands see them naked. Of these, forty-five percent explained that lack of body confidence was the issue; around a third said lack of sexual desire was the problem – since they didn’t want sex there was no need for their partners to seem them without clothes. The study was limited, so I do hope the numbers have been skewed because of it. Lack of body confidence is a growing issue amongst men and women, and it is very difficult to have a satisfactory sex life if you are overly concerned about spare tyres or cellulite.

 

SEX BOX SUCCESS

Channel 4’s Sex Box may not have been a resounding success, but Zurich’s sex boxes may well be. The drive-in sex boxes opened two months ago as a way of combating public prostitution. The boxes are fitted with alarms, security guards and reminders of the importance of safe sex. Michael Herzig, director of social services for Zurich’s sex workers, has said that there have been no problems with violence or pimps. On average, fourteen sex workers use the boxes each day. They pay a small yearly fee to use the facility, as well as a daily fee. Prostitution is legal in Switzerland, but sex workers must be registered with authorities and have health insurance. Despite this, there have been claims that authorities will be closing parlours where many legal sex workers are based, which could see them forced into illegal prostitution.

 

BUT IS IT ART?

A student at Central Saint Martins in London has decided to lose his virginity as an art project. Clayton Pettet’s performance piece is entitled, ‘Art School Took My Virginity’, and he claims that the idea is to desensitize the concept of virginity as a hetero-normative term used to value a person’s worth. Pettet has not revealed any details of his prospective partner, only that he is a fellow art student and someone is he “physically and emotionally attracted to.” Pettet and his partner will cover their bodies in paint and have sex on a blank piece of canvas, thus leaving a physical artefact of the act and performance.

 

SEXTON’S MISCELLANY

ALL ABOUT VIRGINITY

Talking about virginity, did you know that it is actually pretty difficult to define? There is no medical or biological definition for it and instead we have to make do with a cultural definition – the state of never having had sexual intercourse.

The problem with this is that the state of virginity almost refers exclusively to penetrative sex. That’s fine if you are straight, but if you are not heterosexual, penetration may not be something you do anyway. Using this definition, if you’ve had several lovers but only had oral sex, or used fingers, or even a dildo, you’d technically still be a virgin. Which, of course, is nonsense.

There are a number of cultural myths about the hymen, but it is not a reliable marker of whether or not a woman is a virgin. Women who’ve had sex may still have one, while other women can have lost it early on, without any sex having taken place. This means there is no way of knowing for sure whether or not a woman has had sex.

Virginity doesn’t mean a woman will have a tighter vagina. Nerves around first time sex may cause a woman to clench, but having sex does not magically make your vaginal canal bigger. This is a pathway of muscles, and like other muscles, the vagina can stretch and retract.

There is a similar myth that having sex will give you a bigger penis. Sorry, it won’t.

Teenagers who are part of the abstinence movement often think the magical blessed state of virginity is preserved if they have anal sex, or if the man doesn’t ejaculate, or if neither partner has an orgasm. Nope, all of these activities count as sex.

The abstinence movement also claims that virgins are somehow “better” than sexually experienced people – this is the biggest myth of all. Sex does not change who you are as a person, or devalue your worth. Instead a happy sex life is psychologically, emotionally and even physiologically good for you.

Cheating Marriages Are Best

AVERAGE PEOPLE ARE… AVERAGE

A study has found that most British men rate their sexual skills as slightly better than average. The survey carried out by the not-very-scientific chat room site Cam4 found that, on average, men say they are a six out of ten in bed. The women surveyed were more enthusiastic, and rated their partners as a seven on average. However they were less sure of their own skills and most of the women felt that they too were a six on the scale. Two thirds of the respondents, male and female, believed their partner was a better lover than them. On the face of it, this lack of sexual confidence seems quite sad, but who would you rather be with – a partner so blithely confident they never listen to feedback, or someone who thinks you are great and is willing to do anything they can to make sure you enjoy yourself?

 

VIRGINIA JOHNSON, RIP.

Virginia Johnson, one half of the groundbreaking sex research team, Masters and Johnson, passed away this July at the age of 88. Johnson began her sex research career in the late 1950s at Washington University in St. Louis as William H. Masters’ assistant, and later his collaborator. The two became lovers and married in 1971. Masters and Johnson overturned the widely accepted Freudian principle that vaginal orgasm, instead of clitoral, was the correct response of a sexually mature woman; and their books Human Sexual Response and Human Sexual Inadequacy were both bestsellers.

 

CHEATING MARRIAGES  ARE BEST

A sociologist has argued that non-monogamous marriages are the healthiest. Eric Anderson, author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating interviewed 120 men about relationships, sex and monogamy and concluded that cheating was a rational response to the irrational expectations of monogamy. The sociologist asserts that a wandering eye can be viewed as a sign of a healthy long-term relationship because in established relationships sex generally decreases in frequency. Cheating allows for both sexual novelty and the intimacy of a long-term relationship. While there are certainly some interesting ideas here, Anderson’s 120 interviewees were all sportsmen aged 18-22 years old, and the sociologist seems to have ignored the possibility that monogamy may be just as monotonous for women.

 

SEXTON’S MISCELLANY

10 ORGASM COMMANDMENTS?

Did you know that the first week of August is National Orgasm Week? To celebrate, the Explorgasm Women’s Health Initiative held a discussion in Chicago and their speakers came up with ten rather weird rules for better sex. Here they are:

10. When dating, stop pretending to be someone you are not.

9. Jesus, the Bible, and the church are not all you need. Felicia Houston, founder of the Anointed Wives Ministry reckoned that sex was important too. Er, yes.

8. Touch yourself in a sensual manner; learn to appreciate your body.

7. The oral sex scenes in the porn videos are bogus.

6. What a man eats affects the sperm. True!

5. If your husband would rather watch sports or play video games, kneel down in front of him. “The distraction works,” said Marie Green of Naughty Rooms. “No man would say no to that foreplay.” Huh? I’m confused. Is that a subtle way of offering a blowjob or just waggling your boobs in front of the telly?

3. Use a dental dam when receiving oral sex, as it will force him to work harder.

2. But… Don’t work so hard for him! Don’t deep-throat, use your hand and mouth together.

1. Men must take it slow so that women will achieve moisture and adequate lubrication said Dr Jessica Shepherd. Conversely, “men take little time to climax; a man could orgasm just by looking at you.” Well now I feel bad – I’ve never made someone come by just standing there.

For some more practical advice on improving your orgasm, see this week’s sex tip.

Bliss Festival: Sexual Pleasure in Louth!

After a successful festival earlier this year, the folks behind Bliss are back with a new weekend dedicated to sexual pleasure. The workshops cover a wide variety of topics, from tantra to BDSM, which should mean there is something for everyone. The festival takes place over the 4th and 5th of August in Drogheda.This may seem like an odd choice but then again, Drogheda is the town that spawned me… You can read all the details at here.

Better sex in Russia

Russians have happier sex lives. Well, sort of. A recent survey found that 20% of Russians are satisfied with their sex lives. Not a huge amount, but a whooping increase from 1999 when it was found that only 8% of people were happy between the sheets. But it is not all bad news – just 4% claimed to be displeased with sex, while 12% were indifferent to the whole malarkey.

This week’s sex tip: Exercise for better sex

You may have seen a story in the news recently claiming that some women orgasm while getting sweaty at the gym. I’m all for getting your pleasures where you can, but frankly I prefer my orgasms when I’m not wearing sweats.

Exercise in general is good for your sex life, because being fit is good for maintaining sexual drive and stamina. However, certain kinds of exercise are more beneficial than others when it comes to sex. Kegels make orgasm easier and stronger. Strengthening your middle, lower back, abdomen and pelvis contributes to one’s ability to thrust. Yoga can help stretch your hip and groin muscles. A stronger backside doesn’t just look good in jeans – it helps support your middle and hips, both important for sex.

Sex itself is a pretty decent workout, but only if you spend some time and energy on it. On average, thirty minutes of sex burns around 85 calories. Which, granted, isn’t a huge amount, but every bit helps! You can up the exercise benefits of sex by spending longer on foreplay and by using more physically demanding positions.

This issue’s sex tip: Playing to your strengths

Ian Kerner, a famous New York sex therapist and author of the classic sex guide She Comes First believes that, in sex as in life, we’re better off if we play to our strengths.

Playing to your strengths means accepting that there are just some things that we cannot change about our sexual abilities or bodies and working around them. Kerner himself claims to have suffered from premature ejaculation for many years and thus learned to compensate for this with oral sex. Playing to your strengths means finding clever ways around your limitations, whether it is by using alternative techniques, positions or toys. For example, a woman who needs a lot of stimulation to orgasm may use a toy to assist her partner or a man with an unusually small penis can compensate by favouring positions where size is of less importance.

Kerner advises developing what he calls “sex scripts” – actions and techniques that lead to pleasure. The point being that, if everyone has an enjoyable and orgasmic experience, it doesn’t really matter how you get there.

BOOKS: The Smart Girl’s Guide to the G-Spot by Violet Blue

If anyone can help you track down the elusive G-spot it is probably sex educator and author Violet Blue. The new edition of The Smart Girl’s Guide to the G-Spot updates Blue’s classic book on the subject. As well as being the definitive guide to the much debated, controversial G-Spot, this book offers a wealth of information. There’s a guide to the body, suggestions for play and sex positions, advice on sex toys, and safer sex information as well. Ms Blue has also included a list of further reading for sexual swats, recommended videos and DVDs and practical information on choosing sex toys. The 2012 edition is out now, but only available on Amazon UK from April.

Get your own bed

It used to be common years ago, but apparently one in ten couples who live together sleep in separate beds, with a fifth saying it leads to a better sex life. Unsurprisingly snoring was the most common reason why couples sleep apart, concluding that better sleep leads to a better sex life. Despite this, two thirds of those who sleep apart don’t want their friends to know.

Feminists are also better in bed!

Despite their image as ugly man-haters, feminists are better lovers. Fact!

A study published in the journal Sex Roles surveyed students and older adults. They found that students and older women who had male partners that considered themselves feminists had happier relationships and that men with female feminist partners were more sexually satisfied.

Just letting you know…

Read more here.

Vegetarians make better lovers!

A friend sent me the link to this article claiming that vegetarians make better lovers. Hmmm.. he’s a vegan, so obviously he’d think so! PETA has been promoting the idea for years and yes, veggies do taste better and are less likely to be obese, which means more energy and better sexual performance.

Luckily I don’t eat red meat. 🙂

Read the full article here.