I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on polyamory? For those not in the know, polyamorous folk have multiple relationships. This can be in a group situation, which may or may not be bisexual, or they may have primary and secondary relationships – you know, a husband, a long-term lover and a casual boyfriend as well.
Polyamorists aren’t swingers and they don’t generally have open relationships – it’s not as simple as shacking up with whomever you fancy. Instead it’s more like an exclusive club and often any potential new member will be vetted to see how he or she will get on with the others.
Love is important, monogamy isn’t. Polyamorists believe that monogamy is an unnatural social system, and that the concomitant deceit and betrayal are what’s really destructive so they try to bypass all the heartache, divorce, custody and legal battles that serial monogamy often entails. They also believe that love is an infinite resource and it’s unfair to expect one other person can supply all your needs. Equally important, polyamorists often function as an extended family, sharing domestic and childrearing duties.
As a lifestyle choice, it’s not one many people would consider, but I wonder why that is? Would jealousy and favouritism inevitably occur? Are human beings programmed to form pairs? Could sex become routine even with a number of long-term multiple partners anyway? How would you decide who shares your bed at Christmas, New Years or your birthday?
OK, it wouldn’t be for me. I’m not a jealous person in general, but you never know. I’ve had a partner who was equally involved with someone else (well, as far as I know…) so it’s hard to predict.
Mostly though – and this is going to sound terrible but it’s the truth – it just sounds like too much hard work. But that’s probably because I like to spend a fair amount of time alone. Polyamorist groups often draw up schedules so that everyone gets plenty of quality time with each other – kind of like sexual and non-sexual playdates. Company and conversation are lovely, but not too much of it, thanks. If you haven’t seen one of your partners for a week, you probably couldn’t ignore them (in a loving, companionable way of course) and read a book.
I am curious though. Has anyone tried polyamory or another alternative lifestyle? If so, how did it work? Does it sound appealing or disastrous? Opinions please!
Glad to chime in. Yes, polyamory can work truly wonderfully, but it comes with a lot of emotional and relationship risks, and you’re right about it being a lot of hard work (for most people — a few just seem to be born to it effortlessly).
If you’re already in a serious relationship or married, poly will shine a bright spotlight into the dark, grungy corners of the relationship that you may have been ignoring by unspoken mutual consent. If illuminating those corners feels like it might wreck your marriage, trust your gut on this. If, on the other hand, you both like the idea of developing your communication skills, strengthening the relationship, and tackling grubby corners with a scraper and bucket of cleaner, the odds are with you.
In my experience, it takes honesty, communication, self-confidence, level headedness, a kind heart…. willingness to sacrifice with a smile for the good of all, willingness to insist on your own desires and needs when necessary, and the judgment to know correctly when to choose which…. idealism, cynicism, and the judgment to know when each should apply…. and much else. And still there are no guarantees.
But for those who make it work, poly truly opens new worlds of joy and wonder in human relations such as most people never imagine.
Another piece of advice: READ UP! There is loads of hard-won community wisdom about this on the internet nowadays. I’ll plug my own site, Polyamory in the News:
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/
A few more points. You wrote:
> Love is important, monogamy isn’t. Polyamorists believe
> that monogamy is an unnatural social system, and that
> the concomitant deceit and betrayal….
Most polys are quick to acknowledge that monogamy is the best way of life for many people, perhaps most. This is your choice depending on your own nature, and don’t let anyone bullshit you into trying poly with ideological arguments like this, if you don’t feel it’s right for you.
> Would jealousy and favouritism inevitably occur?
Spells of jealousy are likely; what matters is how you and your partners deal with them. Sympathy and great consideration for each others’ feelings all around should be a given. Jealousy can be tamed and overcome, but don’t hide your feelings.
> Could sex become routine even with a number of
> long-term multiple partners anyway?
Oh yes, things become routine in time. Though variety is the life of spice (plural of spouse).
> How would you decide who shares your bed at
> Christmas, New Years or your birthday?
With TALK! What else? Lots of it. If you don’t like the idea of talk and family meetings, this may not be for you.
Cheers,
Alan
Hi Alan,
Thanks for that. Not considering the poly lifestyle for myself, just curious about the practical realities of the idea.
I have a friend who tried it in the past (and it ended in a very messy disaster) so was wondering how other people make it work.
Great answers as always, Alan!
I think first off Poly is a decision people have to make in their hearts. It’s tricky. Your partner husband could fall in love and poss. end his relationship with you over a second. It happens. Also the other way.
Some people do poly badly or don’t set out clear guidelines before they embark on the lifestyle. There are finacial, emotinal, spiritual, STD’s and a whole bunch of other issues which need to be addressed.
If you poly and they are too you chances for getting and STD go up even with testing as some things don’t show in tests straight away. Some of your poly partners may not be 100% truthful about being with others or having flings on the side they don’t disclose.
Most poly relationships apparently last about 2 years.
Get educated read books like “Open Relationship” or “The Ethical Slut”. Go onto online communities and chat boards to find out the issues that come up for people trying this lifestyle. I love it but its work.
Poly is a personal choice.
Poly is very difficult.
Poly requires radical honesty.
Poly does not work for many people.
Poly offers extremely rich and varied relationships.
Poly offers endless love.
Poly offers avenues for personal expression not available in monogamy.
Poly encompasses fluid relationships.
Poly is wonderful.
We’ve been poly for several years now, and it just keeps growing! While there are additional levels of discussion that happen, and we need a diagram to keep all the connections straight, we also have more resources available, as a three adult household.
The kids get more parenting time, there’s a higher standard of living, more love and attention to go around, and more free time after the shared responsibilities are attended to. Of course, all the extra free time gets funneled into relationship stuff and hot monkey sex, so if you’re a bit more solitary, or deep intimacy gives you the willies, a live-in situation might not work as well.
We also don’t need to look at each connection with a new person as someone that we’d want to live with, marry, or otherwise need to be fully integrated with. That enables us to experience connecting with people that are different than us in significant ways, allowing new paths to personal growth.
We are more than the sum of our part(ner)s!