opinions

Bad Sex

Of course I am great in bed and of course you are too! That’s why we can admit that sometimes sex goes wrong. Or that things don’t flow in the normal sensual manner. On rare occasions this might be your own fault, but more likely it’s them… Well, duh!

There are as many ways to ensure sex is a less than stellar experience. Here’s some common ones:

Hickeys
Under the age of twenty, a bright red welt announces to the world that you’re getting some. If you sport one at any point after that it say one thing and one thing only: your partner sucks – literally.

Self-Praise is No Praise
What’s with the folk that try and tell you how good they are – after you’ve shagged them?

I have eyes. And experience. I don’t need to be told that your penis is impressively proportioned. Nor do I wish to know that your ex said you were a connoisseur of cunnilingus.  I’ll judge for myself. Thanks.

Condom Mishaps
You’d think by the age of twenty-one most guys could put on a condom in the dark, using one hand, while under enemy fire. Not so, and every now and again, you find a bloke who can’t manage in perfect daylight. I don’t know why this should be – excitement, perhaps. If he looks like he’s struggling give him a hand (or handjob).

A bit of advice: don’t put on a condom with your mouth unless you know what you’re doing.

Clumsy Klutz
Elbows can be loaded weapons, long hair can get caught, over enthusiasm can cause you to bang heads. And that’s even before you add alcohol into the mix.

On one memorable occasion my partner and I fell off the bed onto the floor. Painful, but still sexy…

Noises off
Fanny farts – not sexy. The horrible queef is caused by air getting trapped in the vaginal canal. The more energetic and acrobatic the sex, the more chance there is of this happening. It’s grossly unfair, but that’s life. If you suffer from this, stick to one or two positions. Or turn up the music – loud.

Red Faced
Hairy legs might not be the sexiest look, but they are unlikely to cause any real damage, while stubble causes beard rash. Not a good look.

Ring a Ding Ding
Never answer the phone during sex. Unless both you and your partner find it a big turn on to hear your nattering away to your mother/boss/best friend while in flagrante delicto. Otherwise it’s bloody rude. Not to mention ungrateful.